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No Paper
(Preview)
AND THE BEST FOR LAST > A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a > confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. > The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the > drunk continues to sit there. > Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. > The drunk mum...
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Dixie Dude
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THE PRIEST
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???A distinguished young woman on a flight from ?Ireland ?asked the Priestbeside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afr...
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Dixie Dude
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381
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OH NO !!
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?An 80-year-old man went for a physical.? All of his tests come back normal. The doctor said, "George, every thing looks great. But, how are you doing mentally and emotionally?? Are you at peace with God?"George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fix...
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Dixie Dude
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375
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Got this at work today
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.While on the operating table she had a near death experience.Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a fa...
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zach623
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353
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Same Old Cow ???
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>My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.? We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' W...
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Dixie Dude
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Just My Luck
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.?- Rodney Dangerfield
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Dixie Dude
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349
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Can't We all Just Get Along ??
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Dear Employee: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of langua...
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Dixie Dude
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Men Strike Back
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Men ?strike back! How many men does it ?take to open a beer? None.? It should be?opened when she brings ?it. -- ----------------------------------------------- ----------- Why is a Laundromat ? a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will proba...
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Dixie Dude
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375
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Grandmas Boyfriend
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Grandma's boyfriend A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in...
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Dixie Dude
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358
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Different types of sex
(Preview)
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX > > Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'> > 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.' > 'Social Security sex?' > > 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live > on!' >---------------------------------...
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giabambino
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OJ
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36a24376@aol.com> From: Subject: OJ One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll te...
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Dixie Dude
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Uncle Jay Explains The 2008 News
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RollingStone
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420
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RETARDED GRAND PARENTS
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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS?- (reported by a teacher) After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retard...
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Dixie Dude
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SEX Church & Pancakes
(Preview)
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probab...
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Dixie Dude
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Pancakes
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Pancakes Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him p...
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Dixie Dude
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Man of the House
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House'. He stormed?to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the Law.? You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my me...
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RollingStone
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WHERE YA FROM ??
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A girl? from New Jersey and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an? airplane. The girl from New Jersey, being friendly and all said, "So,? where ya from?" The west coast girl said, "From a place where they? know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.&q...
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Dixie Dude
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368
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How do you want your eggs ??
(Preview)
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her...
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Dixie Dude
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Price Of Gas
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....
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Dixie Dude
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CHICKEN LEGS
(Preview)
No Speak English??A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto .?? However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.? The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.One day, she went...
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Dixie Dude
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325
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401 KEG ??
(Preview)
If?you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.? If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have?$33.00 today.? If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you?would have $0.00 today.?But, if you ha...
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Dixie Dude
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371
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Holy Cow
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COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate...
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Dixie Dude
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50 th Wedding Anniversary Receipe for Longevity
(Preview)
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe,?who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years...
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Dixie Dude
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Be Carefull what you wish for !!
(Preview)
ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION > > A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating their 44th wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. > > She said: 'For being such an exemplary married couple and especial...
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Dixie Dude
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Living Will
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MY LIVING WILL?? Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,?? 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.???If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. She's su...
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Dixie Dude
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CAUGHT SPEEDING
(Preview)
I'm a rectum stretcher While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's yo...
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Dixie Dude
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327
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Now I see how Government works !!
(Preview)
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied,'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that....
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Dixie Dude
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373
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SERVICE
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Some things can be confusing if we don't have the proper context of the phrase in mind when we try to interpret the statement.? See below. ? I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the?word 'service.' ? ???????????? Internal Revenue 'Service' ???????????? U.S. Postal 'Service' ?...
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Dixie Dude
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356
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The Wedding Night
(Preview)
? THE WEDDING NIGHT Fred and Mary get married but couldn't ?afford a honeymoon,?so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. ?? ?? In the morning,??Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. ?? ?? As he is ?going out of the door to go to school, he asks hi...
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Dixie Dude
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328
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Sometimes
(Preview)
??S O M E T I M E S? Sometimes...? when you cry...? no one sees your tears.? Sometimes..? when you are in pain.? no one sees your hurt.? Sometimes.? when you are worried..? no one sees your stress? Sometimes.? when you are happy..? no one sees your smile ..? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? -? But ??FART?!!?? just ONE...
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