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Better then Weight Watchers
(Preview)
The next time someone asks you a dumb? question wouldn'tyou like to respond like? this?This is an actual happening from a? 'retired' friendin Texas .? ? ? Yesterday I was at my local? Wal-Mart buying a large bagof Purina dog chow for my loyal pet,? Bisquit, the WonderDog and was in the checkout line whe...
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Dixie Dude
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438
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Start The Draft Again
(Preview)
Drafting Guys over 50? ----this is so Funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier----? New Direction for?any war:? Send Service Vets over 50!? I am over 60 and the Armed Force s thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.?They've got the whole thin...
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Dixie Dude
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346
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Mount & Do
(Preview)
-----Announcement Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon? be available in? liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a? power beverage? suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can? no longer call this? a soft...
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Dixie Dude
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405
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Another Senior Moment
(Preview)
For all of us who are seniors--- for all of you who know seniors--- and? for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh? about it when you are! ?Where Is My Paper? ?The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly ?demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. Ma'am, said the emplo...
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Dixie Dude
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333
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Senior Sex Tips
(Preview)
Lovemaking tips for seniors 1. Wear your glasses.? Make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. 3. Set the mood with lighting.? (Turn them ALL OFF!) 4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. 5. Write partner's name on your h...
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Dixie Dude
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542
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Goodyear rubber could have saved the day
(Preview)
?ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF > THE PREGNANT LADY > > A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She > noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She > immediately moved to another seat. > > This time the smile turned into a grin, so she > moved again.? T...
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Dixie Dude
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443
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" OLD BUTCH" The Politician
(Preview)
>> Homer was? in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young >> layers (hens)? called 'pullets,' and 10 roosters to fertilize the eggs. >> He kept? records,? and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot >> and was replaced. >> >> This? t...
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Dixie Dude
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401
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Mommies Don't know EVERTHING !!!
(Preview)
Little Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked : Mommy, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other? She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. It's called sexual intercourse...
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399
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Memory Of An Elephant
(Preview)
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and insp...
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411
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How to Save 5 million Dollars
(Preview)
How To Save The Government $5 Million A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year. As suming the next president lives to age 80.? Sen McCain would receive ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.? Sen Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would rec...
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424
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Dear Abby ?????????
(Preview)
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED THAT SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING! ? ???Dear Abby,? ???a couple of women moved in across the hall from me. ???One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker ???in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and ???I've never seen a man go into...
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443
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Homer & Daisy
(Preview)
A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love.? And again at bedtime, they made love. The proble...
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Dixie Dude
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461
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Quiz
(Preview)
QUESTION: 3 FAMILIES LIVE IN THE SAME 3 ?STORY ?CONDO ?BUILDING . ON THE FIRST FLOOR LIVES A ?MEXICAN FAMILY, WITH 5 KIDSON THE SECOND FLOOR LIVES A WHITE FAMILY, WITH 2 KIDS ON THE THIRD FLOOR LIVES A BLACK FAMILY, WITH 4 KIDS. ONE DAY THERE IS A GIANT EARTHQUAKE THAT LEVELS THE BUILDING AND ONLY ONE FAMIL...
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Dixie Dude
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464
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AN ITALIAN MOTHER
(Preview)
AN ITALIAN MOTHER Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Maria.During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only ma...
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RollingStone
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516
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Kiss my Butt
(Preview)
THE BUTTOCKS ??? A married couple was in a terrible accident where the?Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body? that the doc...
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Dixie Dude
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510
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Mama Mia
(Preview)
Italian?Pregnancy?????????????An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her?period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a?pregnanc y?kit. The test result shows that the girl?is pregnant.?Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was t...
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Will I Live To Be 80?
(Preview)
Sometimes you just have to ask yourself 'Will I live to be 80?' I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He a...
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RollingStone
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417
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Who
(Preview)
??Might be?on the plane ? ?? A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The ?first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog ?was allowed on the plane...
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Dixie Dude
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400
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Community College
(Preview)
Two redneck farmers, Jimmy Joe and Billy Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.Jim turns to Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the t...
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Dixie Dude
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438
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Fifty Dollars
(Preview)
? Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd sure like to ride in that helicopter. Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars One year Esther and Morris went to the?...
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Dixie Dude
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427
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Three Red Necks
(Preview)
Three Southern Boys Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,...
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455
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I'm Guilty !!
(Preview)
Ron and Jerry, two elderly friends, Met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.?One?day Ron didn't show up.? Jerry wasn't concerned; He thought Ron might have a cold or some urgent appointment.?But after Ron hadn't shown up for a week or so ?Jerry got...
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Dixie Dude
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To Be Six Again
(Preview)
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he a...
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RollingStone
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The Man And The Boy
(Preview)
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?" The boy answer...
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RollingStone
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SPAGHETTI
(Preview)
SPAGHETTI A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years? One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the...
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RollingStone
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Irish Wiskey
(Preview)
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from?London.? After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.? The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.? The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, &qu...
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Senior Yard Sale
(Preview)
RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old lad...
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Talking in Heaven
(Preview)
>>>> 1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda. >>>> 2nd woman : Hi! I'm Sally. How'd you die? >>>> 1st woman : I Froze to Death. >>>> 2nd woman : How Horrible! >>>> >>>> 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold...
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EarthQuake Relief
(Preview)
Subject: Fw: Mexican Earthquake A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died & over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start rebuilding and is asking for help. The rest of the w...
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THE CHICKEN STORY
(Preview)
??? BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because?it was time for?a?CHANGE!? The chicken wanted CHANGE! ? JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized? the?need?to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. ? HILLAR...
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